i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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