just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
