My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
