booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
