I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
