I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
40s are totally the cure
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
