Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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