I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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