in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
