my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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