I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
