You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
