What did we do last night that was yellow?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
