Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
