Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
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He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
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I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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