Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
