Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
