I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
