I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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