Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
my poor anus
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
