You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
