We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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