I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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