When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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