I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
