Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
