Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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