Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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