Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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