a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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