Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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