If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
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How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
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if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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