dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
