I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Too much gin, very little bucket
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
