i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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