i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
