He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
