He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
