I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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