I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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