Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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