Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
barbara walters just said penis...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
