Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
