I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
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This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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