Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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