Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
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We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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