someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
