i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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