i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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