Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
