I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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