Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
