Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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