I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we're making bets on your personal life
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
