Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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