meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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