Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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