fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
