I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
