Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
