I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
