Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
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