And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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