fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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